I'd never been apart from my kids. The first sleep over at dad's was a miserable time for me. It was like having a hole in my heart... the emptiness seemed to go on forever... OK well, it was just over night. But not easy for me to adjust to. For some reason, people thought it would make me feel better when they'd say, "are you looking forward to some time for yourself now?" HOW DARE YOU!! Like this is a good thing?? Like this was fun for me to dump off my kids just so I can have a little me time?? I know people meant well. I guess people just don't know what to say. And so off they went, every Friday to dad's, and all I could think about is picking them up on Saturday afternoon....24 hours of sheer torture for me. And so begin the Thursday ritual... panic, worry despair, anxiety... yes torture. Torture, that I put myself through. It felt like my chemo Thursdays all over again. I dreaded going to treatments every other Friday those many years ago. For 6 months I would work late on Thursdays to escape the reality of Fridays. But I couldn't do that now, I have kids to take care of! But the boys are actually happy to go and happy to come home. So at least they are having a good time. Eventually though the feelings subsided. Don't get me wrong! I still miss my kids like crazy the whole time they are gone, even now. But at least I'd overcome the sorrow I created in my head. Months of wallowing in my own self pity. Yes, wallowing... Friday night and I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. But six months or so later, the healing time had begun. I went out. Actually went to a concert with a friend of mine. A Prodigy concert no less!! Talk about letting out aggression. It was such a release of energy watching the band with the mosh pit swirling around next to me. That was the first night I felt none of the anxiety that had been in me for so long... longer that just the six month since he'd been gone. But now I was venturing out... nothing crazy or stupid, after all, I was still technically married!! And more importantly kids to think about. I'm not about to do anything to give anyone a reason to call me an unfit mother!! Just out with friends, doing fun things. And not every Friday was like this. I'd stay home too. Make jewelry or cards or some other hobby or half started project I was working on. But finally out, having fun. On Saturdays I'd go shopping or have a nice quiet lunch by myself... crazy huh. It's a weird feeling when you don't have your kids with you while your running your errands when you've always had them around. I was feeling free. Free to be me. Free to be happy and fearless. Free to... oh wait, what's that. Guilt? Where did you come from? I was just feeling OK again and here you come along. Yes friends, I'd moved on to a new feeling; guilt. I was now feeling guilty for having fun. And don't even get me started on the feeling guilty for not feeling guilty stage. It's always something, I tell ya. So when does everything go back to normal?? I don't even know what normal is anymore.
