one day, at the swap meet

I am an amateur photographer. I take pics with little thought, just what looks good to me. I'm learning to edit photos with my software and want to learn more about composition and use it when taking pics. I've taken photo classes way back in the day when we actually used film, manually used aperture and shutter settings to achieve different effects, developed our own film with smelly chemicals, and exposed out images onto photo paper in a dark room. I want to learn to be a great photographer

sub·mis·sive: inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient

I find that a lot of my friends are still angry with my ex. Well, yeah I get that, but more angry than I am. But the reality is, I'm over it. It's old to be so angry. OK, well sometimes he pisses me off, but the amount of time that I really deal with him, it's hardly worth the energy.
Take this birthday party I'm having. I told one of my friends, "R is going to be there", she said, "WHY? How does he know about the party? You told him?" I knew this would be her reaction, and I'd rather she have it now than at the party. So to make it easier for me, I'd rather she know up front because I don't want to deal with drama at a 7 year old's birthday party. Last year when I had my younger son's birthday party he said "is dad gonna come?" How could I not invite him after that? Why would I deny my son his dad? This year, neither of my sons asked, but my ex asked if I was doing anything, so I told him. I wasn't gonna lie, and you know why? Because my son is so excited for his party I didn't want my ex to find out by way of the kids and put them in that position. Like they are supposed to hide things from dad. That's not teaching them anything positive. So yeah, I told him and said he was welcome to come. I can deal with it for a few hours in my day. And his sisters are going to be there and they just love the kids. Actually they don't even talk to their brother, my ex. They would rather visit the kids at my house. They never ask him if they can visit the kids on his weekends. So I have buffers.

I wonder though if my friends think I'm too submissive. The fact is, you get what you give. If I'm clam, he's calm. If I react, he reacts. I found during the divorce process that it's easy to remain quite and calm. Ummm, ok it was hard, but became easier with time. I'm an emotional person and can react to things quickly, so my new demeanor was a new thing to him. It caught him off guard and in most cases I found that this passive aggressive person he had become talked a lot. The less I said, the more he talked. The once quick to respond person I was didn't give into that anymore. So the arguing and bickering over the settlement stopped. And it made life easier. This is something I learned about in therapy. When my therapist told me that I needed to stop arguing back and just take the time to process before reacting by saying things like, "ok, I'll think about it" or "ok, I'll get back to you on that" I didn't want to because then I would be submissive and I didn't want to be submissive. She said "honey, you're already submissive." It was true. How did I not realize that? I had held back a lot because I let hurtful word get the best of me and it just broke my confidence and spirit. But now dealing with each other is much easier, even though we don't always agree or see eye to eye. Now why couldn't we do this and stay married? Because I think therapy helped me a lot and together maybe we could have, but he refused therapy. Just because we are civil to each other now doesn't mean we can co-exist. I have to deal with this guy for the rest of my life, so I'll do what I need to do to make it go smoothly for me and the boys.
I think we're all submissive to a degree. And who cares. Just make sure you use it the right way.

I like music. Lots of music

Driving in the car one day my mother says "I'm always surprised by your choice of music. I always expect you to be listening to something loud and crazy"...I had on Mumford and Sons at the time. I agree, there was a time that all my music was "loud and crazy". I guess I've toned it down in my old age, to a degree. I mean, come on, I used to listen to the Sex Pistols for Christ's sake. My own mother knows this is not my typical music. But I have to admit, I've gotten exposed to a lot of different music over time and I like it. Sure, Jason Mraz sounds nothing like Kurt Cobain, but even I don't think everything I listen to has to have that same raw aggressiveness that the early 90's had. Or the electric drum beats of the 80's. I've think I've been overexposing myself to new music. Almost like a challenge for me to like it... new music. Like it was wrong of me to still have Depeche Mode or Duran Duran on my iPod. Then one day I realized, why can't I still listen to all my old fav's? Heck, my mom and cousins still listen to "oldies", so why can't I listen to my "oldies". Those were some of the best times I had. Sleeping out all night in front of the record store before they started that whole wristband bullshit! FIRST COME FIRST SERVE! It was an amazing experience. I didn't do drugs or drink, I just liked being there. Me, my friend Viv and a hundred other crazy people out there for one goal, floor seats. In the morning my dad would come to the record store with chorizo burritos and hot chocolate for me and Viv. I felt so special, but it was probably an excuse to make sure we were ok. I don't blame him if it was, but I didn't think of it that way. My parents would always take us to these concerts and I mean all over the place. Man I lived for those concerts. The first concert was Rick Springfield at the Great Western Form. We were 15 years old and from then on it was concert after concert. Depeche Mode at the Rosebowl, Social Distortion at the Paladium, The Ramons at the Reseda Country Club, B-52's at Irving Medows. I even made my way on stage at an OMD concert and did the famous 80's dance with the singer before being escorted out by security. Once I started to drive, there was nowhere I wouldn't go. A few of my friends and I even went up to San Francisco for a Tibetan Freedom concert at Golden Gate Park where Rage Against the Machine, Smashing Pumpkins, and Red Hot Chili Peppers played, to name a few. Ahhhh, music festival. Been to plenty of those, including the first Coachella Festival, Weenie Roasts, and Lollapaloozas. Yup, those were some fun times, which is why I still connect so much with those bands and those songs. I don't dislike all new music, but I'm very selective about it. I mean, I really have to like it. So blending my music is not a crime, like I made it out to be in my own head. I've got my old stand by's back on the iPod and I still love going to concerts. Old bands and new, I'm there.

If this is what it was all for, then I'm OK with it

I was sitting at my desk this morning at work when a dear friend of mine came to me in tears. She feared her sister's cancer was back because she had developed a rash in the same place where she had radiation therapy years ago. This happens to me a lot. When every someone gets cancer or know someone who has or had cancer, they feel compelled to come to me. I'm not sure if they are seeking answers, comfort or both. I'm not complaining; it's actually an honor that they feel comfortable to be so vulnerable with me. That my own experience with cancer makes it easy for them to come to me with question or just a shoulder to cry on. My diagnosis of Hodgkin's Lymphoma was way back on Nov 13, 2001 and after 7 months of chemo, here I am. I remember the last day of my chemo was the same day another person at my work was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Ever since then people will come to me about their own cancer experience.
My friend's sister has been on a rough road. On top of her own cancer experience several years ago, her son was born with a heart defect and has had numerous surgeries. He is right now dealing with some non-cancerous tumors in his head near his brain. He's had nerve damage in his face and may never regain feeling. This family has been thru so much, and my friend has been keeping me posted about her nephew. But today she reached her breaking point. I told her that her sister has been under so much stress, and maybe it was stress related. Or perhaps it was just a long term side affect of the radiation she had. I said, at least we can be thankful that this didn't happen while her nephew was still in the hospital. He was just released last week, and they were all home now. It would have been hard for the family to have both the son and the mom in the hospital at the same time. Not to mention, she would not have been able to be with him in the hospital, or maybe even be able to bring him home herself. I told her to put the thought of the cancer coming back out of her head for now until we know what this is and gave her a hug. And then, after lunch, she got the good news. Not cancer! Her sister developed cellulitis, a potentially serious bacterial skin infection that usually starts in the lower leg, but luckily she acted fast and sought treatment early enough. They are going to keep her in the hospital for a couple of days so they can keep an eye on it and give her antibiotics thru IV. I told my friend, her sister will get the to rest she needed now; she agreed. It's easy to take care of all around you, that you forget to take care of yourself. Things happen for a reason and although I'm not a religious person, I do believe that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, no matter what the outcome is. When I left work my friend was so happy again. Happy that here sister was not going down the cancer road again and was going to be fine. I'm glad she let me be there for her

When I'm not busy I'm lazy, but that's 'cause I'm so busy!

No, I didn't run out of words... trust me. I've just been so busy all the time. Funny thing is, I never feel like I'm done with anything, know what I mean. Work, home, kids, sleep, work.... and so on. And then when I feel like I can't do more, I start more stuff! Oh well, at least I doing stuff I like. I joined meetup.com and that's a fun site. Originally I joined to find some play group for kids with Autism. Thought there'd be some fun activities planned around these parts with other families. Unfortunately all the meets ups so far have been on weekends that I don't have the kids, or when we have other things planned. But that's OK, we've got one coming up soon that should be fun. Then I noticed they have other groups too, so I joined a photography meet up group. Something for me to do when the kids are gone. I forgot how much I like taking pictures. And I'm pretty good a it too. I've only gone to one meet up so far because again, most have been when I'm not available. But I've got another lined up in a couple of weeks. I also took up one of those extension courses Pierce College for Sign Language. I like it alot and think I might take it up on the fall...if I can fit one more thing into my busy life. And I've been out on a couple of hikes too. Started a little hike group here at work again for those weekends without the boys. I think I get all these things going so I don't miss them too much when they're gone. Filling the void I guess.
OK, lunchtime at work is almost over, and I have a few more things to do before I get back to work, as usual! Never a dull moment

Well, it's been a while...

Life gets busy, so what else is new right? The boys are doing all the things you would expect 2 growing boys to do. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me be silly, they make me yell, they make me happy, they make me mad, they make me happy... ahhhh and that's all in one day!
Today was a rough one for Emileo though. The slightest change will go unnoticed or send him in to a spiral. Today was a spiral. I took a couple of days off of work so we can spend some of their spring vacation together, but going back to work today was not something he expected. And I do prepare him for the unexpected. I have to in order to help him get thru it and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But I know it's something I have to do. So reminding him throughout the day is what I do. But today I got a call. Emileo is having a meltdown. And sometimes I can calm him over the phone, but today he was not having it. And it takes every fiber of my soul not to walk out of work and come running home to help him. And to help my mom, who is here dealing with the episodes. And my baby Diego sometimes has to wait in the shadows while this is played out. I apologized to him today telling him that I know today he was asked to be patient and wait while we helped Emileo. I also told him thank you for being a great little brother and understanding. It's hard for all of us and I want to make sure Diego knows that I appreciate him so that he doesn't ever resent his brother or feel cheated of having his time. Luckily the meltdowns are few and far between now, but when they happen they can be a dozie! Especially the older and stronger he gets! I've been going to an Autism Mixer. It's a meeting session with teachers and parents of autistic children. They are only during the school year so there is only one more. But they are very informative and have some great ideas. The one before last has some great techniques to help comfort the kids. I got some therapy ideas and they seem to help. But still there are just some times when nothing helps, and I just have to let him have his moments and just make sure he's safe and doesn't hurt himself or others. Think of it this way... when we have our moments, sometimes we can deal with the feeling and move on and sometimes we just have to act out a bit to fill better. Emileo has a hard time expressing how he feels so sometimes he just has to act out and instead of forcing him to contain himself and his feelings, I just have to let him let it out. How would you feel if someone forced you to contain your feeling and didn't let you express yourself.
Well, I hope that tomorrow he has a better day...for everyone :)

And so the New Year begins

As much as I LOVE Christmas, I'm ready to move on. I know, that blasphemy for me, right? Don't get me wrong, I still have Christmas songs on my iPod and the kids are still singing Christmas carols, but I ready to get the house back in order. I'm ready to get my life back in order. I've always been in a bit of disarrayment (is that a word?), but that's just how I operate. So organized for me isn't organized for some, but it's comfy. Lived in so to speak. But I've also not been in my own place for almost 6 years now. Sure my mom's place is great, but it wasn't mine. She has her way of doing things and she had her place for things. So now, I'm excited that I can do that in my own home. The last six months living here has been some what of a whirlwind. Getting settled, getting unsettled, getting settled...I don't expect things to be perfect all the time, but the holidays can put me in a bit of a frenzy! So now I've started to put some Christmas things away and putting things back into place. One of the reasons why I'm up so late now, organizing my room a bit. I have projects I want to get started on and I'm ready! Ready to move on with my life

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas...

I've always loved that Christmas song. That has to be one of my favorite ones. It really does describe a lot of things that remind me of Christmas time. And every time I see lights on a house, stores bringing out the decoration, the brisk change in the weather I think of this song. But today I had a whole new appreciation for this song. While I was preparing for my family to come over, baking cookies and bread, setting up the winter village in my living room, the tree up, the decorations up, this song came on. And for the first time, I heard a line in the song that never impacted me the way it did today. The line is:
But the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be
On your own front door.
Now, I know it's the most simplest of lines in the song to describe the sights of Christmas, but today it occurred to me...it really is true. My own front door, to my own home. It's more beautiful to me more than ever now. Not that my parents didn't do a fantastic job celebrating Christmas and decking out the house. One of my favorite memories is going to cut down our own tree... a forest of Christmas trees to choose from, right in City of Commerce where a casino now resides. My parents always had some of the best gatherings, but Christmas... there was no comparison. I owe my love for this holiday to them and those wonderful memories they made for me and my brother. Traditions we now will pass down to our kids. But there is nothing like the feeling of decorating your own home for Christmas. I realized today that it really is the pretties sight for me...my house deck out for Christmas.

http://mp3bear.com/johnny-mathis-its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-christmas

Settling in

I've been in this house now for 3 months now. I'm so happy here and it just feels so comfortable. So many changes already are going on. First, I've already have some homeowner things I've had to take care of, some voluntary, and some unexpected. I had a wrought iron gate put in and it looks great. I purchased lots of flowers and they are all planted and flourishing nicely. I had an electrician put some outdoor lighting in the front porch and patio and cleaned up some old wiring in the garage. Things are getting in place and organized in the house. And now mom's moving. I'm glad for her to be able to have some space and have some times to herself after I get home from work. And she's looking forward to it too. She loves her little appartment. It's so cute. Things just keep changing...we'll see what comes next :)

Home buying.. from a first time home buyer's prospective

There are many expectations you have...be ready for disappointments. First off, some realtors won't even show you a home until you can provide a pre-approved letter from a lender. Once you have that you can go out and find your dream home, right? WRONG, unless you're lucky you'll spend months and months looking. Sometimes you'll make many offers only to be let down...rejected is more like it. But when you find that house, and your offer has been accepted, it's like being pregnant; you're afraid to say anything too soon, but you can't wait to tell everyone. Once your offer is accepted be ready to plunk down some money. Earnest money, as sign of good faith. Depending on circumstances it can be a pretty hefty sum. But that's just the beginning. You'll have to pay for inspection and appraisal, not to mention other fees from the finance company. Now you're on your way, right? WRONG.... now you have to get your loan approved. Wait, but you have a pre-approved letter. The pre-approval process only checks your credit and takes down your financial information. Now you have to prove it. You would think that all of these people who close home deals all the time are doing all they should be doing. I mean, they know what to do. You just sit back and let the behind the scene work come together, right? WRONG...stay on top of it! Everything. Don't wait for people to call you when they or you need something. Don't wait till the last minute for anything. And be prepared to give the same information over and over and over to several people. Then you finally get the docs, which is pretty scary. This is your life for the next 30 years laid out in numbers...down payment, finance charges, monthly payment. Oh but it's worth it... home, sweet home.

It seems like ever since I had cancer I get this little group of people now and then that either have someone, or themselves dealing with cancer. I remember on my last day of chemo, Aug 9, 2002 one of the guys at work was diagnosed with the same cancer I had. Then shortly after that another guy that I know had a sister diagnosed with the same cancer too. From then on it's been like that. In these past 4 months I've had 4 people experiencing cancer in some way; my aunt lost her mother, my friend's brother is going through chemo, a girl at work is being tested herself, and just a couple of days ago I hear of someone's dad being tested. It's such a strange thing to have this experience. I think people feel like they can come to me since I've been there, done that so to speak, and I'm glad to be there...glad to be here. I gave up wondering why this had to happen to me a long time ago. It's irrelevant. The fact that I'm still here is what matters. I might as well use my experience to help other people understand the process. It makes me feel like I didn't go through all that for nothing. It helped me learn something about myself too. Life is to short to waste on stupid stuff. Don't get me wrong, I get derailed sometimes, I have my limits too. But after kicking cancer do I really want to be miserable all the time? Me thinks not.

http://lisamgee.tripod.com/

Onward and upward

Everything seems to be going good right now. My darling friends and their girls are moving back to LA, my closing docs came in today, it's seems things are moving along. I always worry when things are going good... it's like I have to prepare for something bad to happen. When things are going good, it's like a speed trap for me. Last week was stressful with the delays on the whole house thing, then Friday I find out about court scheduled for 5/12 (3 days notice, pfft!) for a trial on the divorce. Not a good way to end the week. But luckily I already had a therapy session scheduled on Saturday. It was a good session. My therapist has great analogies. After all the tears she says, It's ok to have your moment of self pity, but think of self pity as an outhouse; you go in, it smells like shit and there are flies everywhere, so you don't want to stay in there too long. Gotta love her!
But this week was a good week. Court went well, my lawyer got a continuance for Aug 2nd. Closing paperwork is in on the house so I should have the keys this coming week. So for now, I'm gonna just enjoy! :)

Renew, reuse, recycle

So I took my diamond out of my engagement ring and had it set into this ring. Blue sapphires on each side. I call it my dis-engagement ring...hmm, I might be onto something!

Now I can say, after months and months of self doubt, I am a good mom! Words can play terrible tricks on the mind. They can make you feel insecure, betrayed, inadequate, and insignificant. I am constantly put to the test of how words control my feelings. My therapist told me "words only hurt when you give them value they don't have" I really need to keep that in mind, and I'm working on it, but I'm easily derailed. But I know my kids are happy, healthy, loving kids and I am a good mom! :)

Gift to Mom

Pics of the grandkids :) We should have done this a long time ago! Happy Mother's day Mom!!

http://www2.snapfish.com/snapfish/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=3970104009/a=32911138_32911138/otsc=SHR/otsi=SALBlink/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish/

wishing, hoping, waiting

I don't think I'm going to sleep until this house thing is a done deal. Why can't they just ask for everything up front instead of saying, oh now we need this, oh now we need that. So stressful. Stress is such a wasted emotion. Don't really learn anything from it. It's so draining and pointless. There is just no way to start this process all over again... well there is, but I don't want to. I just have my heart set on this now and to have it ripped out from under me is tragic. It was so hard to concentrate at work today! Yes, I know, a bit dramatic. I'm trying to stay positive. I mean, it's not like we'd be moving in now. I still have to wait for Emileo to finish the school year. Maybe it's a lucky break that I don't have to start paying a mortgage till it's closer to us actually moving in. That's sound good. Gotta stay focus, gotta stay positive. Lives are at stake...ok that's totally dramatic. Oh, let's see what tomorrow brings....

so close and yet so far away

This whole house thing has me completely stressed out. Just when I think it's done, they are asking for more documents, sometimes for the second or third time! It just feels like everything is at a stand still. It's made me feel like I'm at a stand still. All of a sudden I don't have room for all my stuff. Even though I've been living here for five years just fine, I feel so claustrophobic in my surroundings. I'm not taking time to have my breakfast or snacks ready for my work day. I'm not preparing snacks for the boys ahead of time. I'm not doing a lot of the things I normally do. I just want it all to be done. I want the keys so I can start moving things in. I want to have my own house to organize and run. (sigh) I've been having back and neck pain which I'm sure is stressed related. I just want to do a happy dance now.

More fun horoscpe

Whether it is something you set in motion or not, you'll probably see something wonderful unfold today, Leo. Change is in the air around you today, and things are ready to move on to the next level, as long as you can let go of your preconceptions and expectations, or efforts to force them to remain in a safe and comfortable form. The good news is that the focus is on fun today, and you'll get a chance to shake yourself free of your comfort zone and really spread your wings and fly.

I really only like my horoscope when it's good news, lol! Especially right now when there is so much going on!

Today's horoscope...

You can relax a little at last! That's what you could be thinking with today's celestial energy. The time is perfect to get ready for the challenges that up to now were just anxieties inside you. If you're thinking clearly today, Leo, it's because you have the strength to face your problems. Now that you have your self-confidence back, you might open your heart even wider to someone dear.
This gives me hope for recenty pending issues. I'd rather not say what, but I can only hope the stars are in my favor.

http://www.zeeavi.com/music/
I heart this cd... it's become my little soundtrack. I've seen her a couple of times live. She's opening for Jack Johnson in Oct.